Episode 148: “Relationships Are Irrelevant. Really?”

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Synopsis

Dr. Misner posted his story about premature solicitation on some of his favorite social networks. Most people expressed their horror and sympathy, but one person actually wrote,

“I don’t happen to believe that you need a relationship with the person you are asking first. What you must have is a compelling story or product or service that would genuinely benefit the referral. The fact that you had not cultivated a relationship with the person has become irrelevant, because more importantly, you’d been in a position to help your contact benefit from the introduction. If it’s of genuine benefit to the person being referred, I don’t see the problem. It’s about the benefit of what’s being referred rather than the relationship with the person that’s asking for the referral. Who am I to deny my contacts something good?”

Everybody thinks they have a good product. How do you know whether you’re denying your contacts something good if you don’t know anything about this person or their product?

Some people don’t get it even when you explain it to them.

Brought to you by Ask Ivan Misner.

Complete Transcription of BNI Podcast Episode 148 -

Priscilla:
Hello everyone, and welcome back to The Official BNI Podcast brought to you by AskIvanMisner.com, which is a new Web site where you can ask Ivan any question you have ever had about networking.

I’m Priscilla Rice, and I’m coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkley, California, and I’m joined on the phone today by the founder and the chairman of BNI, Dr. Ivan Misner.

Hello, Ivan. How are you and where are you?

Ivan:
This week I’m in Austin, Texas. I’m doing some recording for a follow-up CDs to the BNI Networking Secrets. We’ve talked about Networking Secrets on these podcasts, and the del Fuego ladies, Sarah and Flynn, have come up with some great ideas for a follow-up CD. Everyone’s going to be seeing those soon. We’ll be recording them, and we’ll bring it up here on the podcast as soon as they’re ready. And that’s what I’m doing in Austin this week.

Priscilla:
That sounds great. I loved the last ones they did.

Ivan:
Thank you.

Priscilla:
So what’s your topic? What are you going to talk to us about?

Ivan:
Well, remember last week’s topic? I spoke about premature solicitation.

Priscilla:
Uh-huh.

Ivan:
It was about a situation where someone whom I never met, didn’t know asked me to introduce him and his product to a really important connection of mine. Well, I wrote that as a blog on NetworkingNowBlog.com, which is my blog. For those of you listening, if you haven’t gone to it, take a look at it, NetworkingNowBlog.com. And I shared what I posted up on the blog and a few other different venues, I shared what I talked about in the podcast last week and a few other different venues, including one of my favorite online social networks. And a great dialogue ensued when I posted this on one of the social networks, with most people sharing their horror stories and frustrations about people who pounce on them; you know, they just jump on them at networking meetings asking for business even though they’ve never met the person before.

Well, every time I start to think that’s it’s an almost universal feeling of distaste for that approach to networking. I am brought back to reality by the minority of people who still think that this is actually a good networking technique, pouncing on somebody asking for business before you know them.

To my astonishment, someone on the forum actually wrote – now, I am going to quote you their actual words. They’re totally serious with what I’m about to say. This is excerpted from a very long message on the forum. They said, and I quote,
“I don’t happen to believe that you need a relationship with the person you are asking first. What you must have is a compelling story or product or service that would genuinely benefit the referral. The fact that you had not cultivated a relationship with the person has become irrelevant, because more importantly, you’d been in a position to help your contact benefit from the introduction. If it’s of genuine benefit to the person being referred, I don’t see the problem. It’s about the benefit of what’s being referred rather than the relationship with the person that’s asking for the referral. Who am I to deny my contacts something good?” end quote.

Wow! What can I say? The relationship is irrelevant?! All you have is a good story or product or service, and I owe it to any stranger who says that he or she has a good product? And that I should introduce them to a good contact of mine? Really?! People really think this way? According to this writer, it didn’t matter if I actually knew or trusted the person who wanted the business, as long as the person had a good product, or at least he said he had a good product, I should refer that person because would deny my contacts something good.

Priscilla, have you ever met anyone in business who said, “My product sucks. I really have a bad product. Would you refer me?”

Priscilla:
Never.

Ivan:
No, of course not. Everybody thinks they have a good product. They’d never say it’s a bad product. Everybody is saying that. And so what I just find incomprehensible is that anyone would say – and I’ve been doing this 25 years, and I think some of it is – part of the problem is I hang out with BNI member too much, because I really believe that BNI members get it for the most part. Maybe people are coming in new, takes them a little time, but for the most part, I’m talking to people who understand that it’s all about relationships.

So when I get into an environment with people who just don’t get it at all and they tell me, “Look, I have a good product. You should just trust that I have a good product, and you should put be in touch with your best contacts,” and they mean it, it is just incomprehensible to me. I just had to talk about that in a podcast. The one we did last week, Premature Solicitation, I’ll tell you, a really good friend of mine, T. R. Garland, actually started a Facebook page called Facebook Users Who Are Tired of Premature Solicitation (Oh my!).” That’s the title of the fan page, “Facebook Users Who Are Tired of Premature Solicitation (Oh my!).” He created that for BNI members and anyone else who wants to talk about this subject. I’d love for BNI members to comment here on this blog and go take a look at that Facebook page, because there’s some interesting dialogue that’s taking place over there, too.

Priscilla:
I think that the only time that might work is if somebody that you knew had used the product and could recommend that person or recommend the product.

Ivan:
Isn’t that really what the relationship is all about? You’ve got to have a relationship. If the person is coming to me and asking for me connect them with the other person, if I know them and trust them and I know they’ll do a good job, I don’t mind making the connection. But when you’re talking about somebody who’s a complete stranger telling you that they have a great product and just the fact that they’re telling you they have a great product, it’s incumbent on you to make the connection because you don’t want to deny your contact something good, it’s just plain ludicrous, just plain ludicrous. I mean, I think people who think that that’s effective networking are clueless as to what networking is really about.

Priscilla:
Yeah.

Ivan:
But I don’t have much energy on this, Priscilla. You notice that? Should I tell you how I really feel here?!

Priscilla:
Yeah, tell me how you really feel, Ivan.

Ivan:
Yeah, I got really frustrated with this one. And again, I think it’s probably because I really believe that most BNI members really get this, they understand it, and they know it’s all about relationships. So even to this day, I still get blindsided by people who not only don’t get it, but even when you’ve explained it don’t get it. There’s a lot of people who have come to me and did a premature solicitation, they were asking for a referral, and I tell them, “Look, I’m all about doing business with people I know and trust.” And I explain it to them. I would say the overwhelming majority of people, especially BNI members, go, “I get it; I understand. That makes sense to me.”

But boy, I’m telling you, this is only part of the dialogue that I had with this guy. This is one little piece of a very long series of e-mails back and forth, and he was absolutely convinced that there was not only nothing wrong with this, but that’s what everybody should be doing. So, I just basically said, “Good luck with that. Let me know how that works out for you.”

Priscilla:
This must be a very high pressured sales technique, isn’t it?

Ivan:
Yeah, it is a high pressure sales technique, and I understand that, but I think sales to some extent are changing, and more and more, it’s about the relationships that you’ve got with people and not just about closing deals. You even look at the kind of literature that’s written about sales today. It’s a lot different than 25 years ago. A lot of the stuff that was being done 25 years ago was simply technique oriented. “If you get an objection, here’s how you respond to an objection. It’s all about closing the deal.”

But even in sales, the best sales guys today are training on how to serve the customer and how to build a long-term relationship, how to maintain touchpoints. We talked to Rick Itzkowich recently in one of the podcasts about touchpoints nd staying in touch with people. That’s the first part of the visibility. The long-term touchpoint staying in touch with people kind of thing is about building relationships. You’ve got to do that, and I think the literature has really changed, even in sales. I think people that are still teaching that are old school.

Priscilla:
Yeah, I think you’re right.

Ivan:
Well, listen, Priscilla, thank you very much. Thanks for letting me rant. It’s been fun.

Priscilla:
You’re totally welcome!

All right. Well, I think that’s it for this week. I’d just like to remind the listeners that this podcast has been brought to you by AskIvanMisner.com. Thanks so much for listening. This is Priscilla Rice, and we hope you’ll join us next week for another exciting episode of The Official BNI Podcast.